Week 291: Hyphen the Terrible


Philan-terns -- n., White House interns who selflessly and generously dispense their favors to those in need.

D'oeu-ings -- n., What French poodles leave on the ground.

Open-aged -- adj., describing a woman who is, well, sort of, like fortyish.

Pat-thropy -- n., Psychiatric counseling for persons of ambiguous gender. 

This Week's Contest: Take any story in today's paper, find a word that breaks with a hyphen at the end of a line, and combine it with the second half of a different hyphenated word in the same story. Then supply a definition for the new hybrid word. The examples above are taken from today's Miss Manners column (make sure you tell us from which story your word is chosen.) First-prize winner gets a rare vintage document, the transcript of the early days of the Senate Watergate hearings, in 10 bound volumes from May 1973, featuring the testimony of such persons as Anthony Ulasewicz, the famous bagman who talked like dis.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 291, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 18. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Sign No One Heeds was written by Kevin Mellema of Falls Church. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 288, in which we asked you to supply captions to any of eight cartoons.

-- Second Runner-Up:

These days, if you are a Redskins placekicker, every passerby has a taunt. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

-- First Runner-Up: Kenneth was such a loser he even failed at dropping out of high school. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

-- And the winner of the Collector's Edition

Diana Princess of Wales doll:

T.S. Eliot is astonished when the world ends with neither a bang nor a whimper.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

-- Honorable Mentions:

Cartoon A:

The French always make such a huge production out of saying "I do not know." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

A Republican performing the Macarena.

(J. Larry Schott, Gainesville)

Mid-toss, Trevor realizes that juggling grand pianos is not a good idea. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Atlas never got tired of playing the "Invisible Earth" gag on his less intelligent brother, Warren. (Jessica Henig, Washington)

At 65, Dolly Parton has to hire a valet.

(John Di Fazio, Alexandria)

The school's football team was so strapped for cash, parents had to take turns acting as goal posts. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Prior to the "Construction Worker," the Village People briefly toyed with "The Businessman," but he looked ridiculous performing "YMCA." (Paul Styrene, Olney)

Cartoon B:

President Clinton's golden parachute: One Handi-Wipe.

(F. Walker, Arlington)

Ticker-tape parades got really boring after they became OSHA-compliant. (David Genser, Arlington)

The card said, "Help! I'm being held prisoner in a parachute factory." (Art Grinath,

Takoma Park)

Tired of being a nerd, Arnold sets his pocket protector free. (David Genser, Arlington)

Cartoon C:

The definition of "is." (Mary Pat Landry, Rockville)

Even Stephen Hawking's search for the unified theory of the universe is derailed by Monica coverage. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda)

Cartoon D:

Monica runs into Bill 10 years from now. (Mary Pat Landry, Rockville)

Manure Babies never caught on and most were simply abandoned. (Stephen F. Dudzik,

Silver Spring)

Edna cannot remember the name, but the feces is familiar. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The Starr report hits the street.

(Philip Delduke, Bethesda)

Bill and Hillary leaving the White House after the president resigns. (Michael Dailey, Chantilly)

Sammy the grass stain was puzzled by the bigotry and hatred directed at all stains following the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

(J. Larry Schott, Gainesville)

Blinky turned into an alcoholic when Pac-Man downsized. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

Even the usually skeptical Amy had to admit that this panhandler seemed genuinely needy. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

At last, Sally finds Mr. Goodbar. Unfortunately, he was on the sidewalk, in August. (Stevenson James, Vienna)

Bill had thought that censure was going to be the easy way out. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

Larry always melted under the gaze of a pretty girl. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Cartoon E:

Humiliated, Socks tries desperately to hide behind the White House fence. (Mary Pat Landry, Rockville)

Egyptologists think that the "underground pyramid" was built because someone was holding the blueprints upside down.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The Great Pyramid of Cheops, the Great Pyramid of Chephren, and the Sucky Pyramid of Kevin. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

When pyramids don't floss. (Joe Gallaher, Potomac)

Two gays walk up to a bar . . .

(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Cartoon F:

Unfortunately, Alex misunderstood the club's request for a "bouncer."

(Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

Just because they're French doors doesn't mean they'll stand for being French-kissed. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Bungee jumping using your own tongue proves to be a failure. (John DiFazio)

The hospital quickly realized the folly of posting biopsy results on the oncology department window. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Cartoon G:

Sneaking in after hours, Footch Finkelstein awakens his angry wife. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Many players were injured needlessly before golfers agreed on the now-standard warning call, "FORE." (Kenneth Bohlin, Alexandria)

Cartoon H:

Good news! The District has hired Michael Jordan to help promote its image! Bad news: This is all of him it can afford to show.

(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Next Week: Play It Again, Sham